LO1: Develop and realise a self-directed programme of learning which draws from wide-ranging subject knowledge.
(AC Knowledge, AC Process)
My practice over Unit 2 is split into two main parts: the animation and the tube map.
In my first year, I was creating an animation made up of the defining moments that helped me understand my gender identity, discover that I was transgender, and the key moments on my journey of transitioning thereafter.
Year 1: Animation
I would say I was very fixed in how I saw my project and my practice going, and there wasn’t allowance to deviate from that target, which I think is what led to it feeling very pressurised and the need to leave it with first year. I think there has been a yearning to get back to something hands on, which I remember feeling at the Louise Bourgeois show I saw in London.
My only deviation from ‘the norm’ of my project was responding to an open call brief called Straight White Male, to which I took the approach of Straight, White, Cis-Male: I took a series of photographs that captured the internal feelings I wrestled with daily, about my perceived gender identity through how I presented to the world. I had not worked with photography before, and using myself as the subject at a point of mental anguish felt very vulnerable. I’m glad I did it though, and I with I had built on this concept further, instead of taking a series of photographs and leaving it there.
Based on my Unit 1 feedback, I started to think about the animation as a series of short moments - episodic, rather than one long feature film, so as to make it feel more manageable. I animated the moment I told my CBT therapist, waiting to hear back from my parents after I had come out to them via text while they were out for the day, the phone screen lighting up with the ‘K x’ I received from dad (it was in response to me saying there was a text for both of them sent to mum’s phone), and started to redo the moment of me trying on my brownies uniform (Felt Right Then, Feels Right Now for reference) digitally.
However, thinking of it in this way did not help me lessen the workload I was creating for myself mentally. At the time, I don’t think I had the mental space to handle any kind of work load, and it felt like I was just going through the motions.
I took two gap years between first and second year, and had to process and come to terms with all the roadbumps I’ve faced over the last few years, as well as being diagnosed with ADHD, and more recently:
Discovering I was diagnosed with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder borderline type 8 years ago but it was kept from me by the psychiatrists and doctors
Being put back on anti-depressants
Mental Health Matters removing me from the waitlist for high intensity CBT for PTSD without telling me, and when re-referred deciding I was beyond their help and referring me back to the recovery team that diagnosed me with EUPD 8 years ago
Finally having a double mastectomy a week before starting back for second year
Reaching breaking point of applying for Personal Independence Payment, without realising I would them be tide into a deadline to complete the application while recovering, and having a 3 hour long telephone assessment with them
Accepting the difficulties I had faced, and understanding myself more with the ADHD diagnosis, led to me deciding to leave the animation with first year and start fresh with something new, which Jonathan agreed was the right decision. Based on my experiences with the NHS Gender Identity Services, I decided to create a tube map of the NHS GIS Care Pathway - the step-by-step journey for those transitioning in a clear and striking format, inspired by the designs of Henry Beck for The London Underground.
Year 2: Tube Map
This was the best decision I could have possibly made and, as I weaned off the post-surgery pain relief, it felt like I had a creative spark igniting again.
Restricted to drawing the maps by hand for a couple of weeks also meant that there was a paper trail kept for me to reflect back on and consider how I would do things differently (please see each blog post, if only for how the diagrams progress):
When I suddenly decided to push getting the digital version completed for GROTTO, I only took one screenshot of the progressive because I was so immersed in the creative process I forgot to document!
I had a lot of fun creating this new tube map, and a I feel like its unlocked a lot of creative ideas as to where I could go next, and it will be hard to narrow down what I have time for in these final six months.
LO2: Articulate a thorough understanding of your research and establish an informed critical position.
(AC Communication)
My research paper: Through portrayals of the transgender body, this paper examines the way that the lived experiences of transgender people have been effected by the American Government Legislation.
The research paper was a mine field, and I still don’t quite understand how I finished it. Coming back to it in second year (with a new inejcted excitement about the course) was helpful on the one hand, but on the other, trying to write the research paper while in immense post-surgery pain was not the greatest.
However, if I had not take two gap years at this point, I don’t think I would have been so inspired with my essay. Trump winning the election was definitely a turning point in me understanding the subject matters of my essay: even though the interview and discussions I quote throughout are from 3 1/2 years ago, just after his last presidency run finished, the thoughts, feelings and art work created in response to his actions are very much validated still today, as we wait for him to regain his power and pick up where he left off in the eradication of the trans community.
My research paper questions evolved as my paper did, changing from statistics and facts of the soar in gender-based hate crime relates, to evaluating how three trans-identifying artists have been emotionally effected by American legislation, and how I can tell this both through the artworks, and their own words during interviews with myself.
The three artists chosen inspire my own artwork’s in protest, and influence my practice, which I think you can tell through my conversations with them:
LO3: Analyse and critically reflect on your practice and its context.
(AC Enquiry)
I feel like I have gotten better at writing about my practical work, and having my blog password protected for the first half of Unit 2, and then without a password but the link removed from my web page has helped with this, after Matt Edwards' visiting artist session Mother Study that made me realise I was curating my blog posts for public consumption, rather than creating a record of an honest and open dialogue with myself.
I also think that this has been helped by having multiple, completed ‘stages’ while making the tube map to be able to reflect back on. PLEASE REFER TO UNIT 1 TUBE MAP SECTION.
With the animation, I did not feel able to reflect on a scene of until it was complete - it meant I had a finished product, even if only a few second, to evaluate.
I even had a reflective conversation with myself about masculinity and gender fluidity, and where I feel my own gender identity actually sits on the spectrum now compared to where it sat several years ago, because both gender identity and gender presentation are all owed to fluctuate.
My practice 2 1/2 years ago lacked enquiry, I was too rigid in what had to be done to reaching a specific end goal that I already had in mind. By not allowing fluctuation, I was not allowing any kind of creative flow. I feel that is where a I have developed most, ridding myself of that rigidity.
I also feel like I’ve had more reflective conversations with Jonathan where I’ve been asked to summarise what I’ve learnt in the essay, or conclude what I need to do next with my practical work that have been immensely helpful in helping me understand that its okay for an artwork to or a method to be finished with, and to put that to the side and move on. Setting something to the side and saying “I’ll come back to that” and putting things away and saying “that’s done with” doesn’t mean I’ve given up or failed, it means I’m understanding that I’ve created a clear pathway as to where I should be going next and taking it IS what’s furthering and progressing my practice.
I also found that the Materials and Practice: Reflecting on your work lecture I joined (although not about reflective writing like I expected), did provide insight into the way I think about materials, even when creating digitally, which was affirmed in my discussions with Jonathan. I entered a tutorial thinking next up I would be creating my transition tube map in sketches and then digitally, only to leave having realised that I am creating physical artworks digitally… that I think of the lines I’m drawing as laying tape on the ground. We concluded I needed to start going to places that are important (where possible), and use gaffer tape to physically create the map, but after using the cinema foyer where I work as a space to figure it all out. If I find the right spot, I can use the CCTV footage of me creating these tape maps as an art piece in itself.
I also found the Tuesday Art in Context lecture series this term on mapping and diagrammology informative in how I was looking at my own maps, and I practically wrote a research paper on the first visiting artists this term, Anna Cutler and Jess Thom.
The weekly group discussions prompted dialogue with myself that I may not have had otherwise:
In addition to giving me opportunities for feedback and open discussions on my work.
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